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Talk:Shishizaru Crescent/@comment-25277527-20140810204415
Friendly Warning Critique follows: Name: There's nothing really wrong with the name, you should probably explain where the "Sai" comes from. Also Monty himself has mentioned that character and team names must allude to a color; https://twitter.com/montyoum/status/406894139746172928 I am unsure if yours does. Crescent might refer to moon and allude to blue, but I feel that's stretching it. Monty intents to hold a contest for OCs to include in the show in the future. If you're going to want this character into it you may want to change it. Age: An amnesiac not knowing his own age is ok. However you should state what age he appears to be, and if it isn't about 17 you should probably come up with a cover for that. Weight/Height: Realistic, just know that platforms are usually pretty difficult fight it in, but that can pretty well be forgiven since Monty has some of the girls in high-heels. Also why does he wear platforms? Does he have a height complex, does he like looking down on others, does he just like the way they look? This should probably be elaborated on. Hair Color: In terms of the verse I don't see anything wrong with it. Eye color: while there is nothing inherently wrong with heterochromatic eyes you should know that it is generally seen as a Mary Sue/Gary Stu trait and therefore traditionally looked down upon by veteran roleplayers. Weapon: This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine. The FF7 Cloud type of sword while arguably cool is fairly impractical. That alone wouldn't be enough to warrant my ire. However what you have a essentially done is hollow out the sword, weakening it. Furthermore because of the structure of it the only part that might, and I do stress might, be able to take a hit is the area between the 1st and 2nd dots from the hilt, even when collapsed, in the drawings. I should also tell you that is the mark of and amateaur swordsman to consistently block or parry with the sharp edges of the blade, this dulls it far to quickly to be a reasonably tactic/investment. As far as I can tell Monty tries to keep his weapons practical. As far as collapsable weapons go. The least practible being Nora's hammer which can be explained by her Strength semblance and Lol dust (can also be read Lol magic). Ren's is up for debate, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with them if their used how I think they're suppose to. Special ability(non-semblance): From a role-playing perspective I see this as a no-no for many reasons: Firstly because it gives you something that would usually be unavailable to other roleplayers and generally wouldn't be aloud in most mature communities/forums. Secondly we have no idea how Grimm eye's work and you've assigned an ability to them that in all honesty, while cool, probably doesn't exist. Thirdly, I'm not sure how close the RWBYverse comes to real life mechanics but at this this time you cannot transplant a whole eye, only the iris, and when you do it's color, and potentially abilities in the RWBYverse, conform to what's normal for that individual over time. All that being said if I were you're GM and this were you're only special ability, and therefore you didn't have a semblance, and it strained your character in such a way he couldn't use it constantly, and couldn't see through even "thin" solid objects(which need to be defined) I would allow it. (I'd hope I wouldn't have to explain the almost certain rejection response your body may have to it) Semblance: mechanically this probably wouldn't function in the RWBYverse, other than the changing of eye color (Yang) and innate abilities (Ruby's Speed, Nora's Strength. And maybe Jaune's Healing) semblance has never been shown to greatly alter someones physical appearance. However this can easily be rectified by changing it to the aura envelopes your body and takes on specified shapes. This would also open up certain possibilities for its use, of course, with it would have to come new restrictions. Personality: What triggers him to go crazy in fights? Is he a sadist? Does he have split personality and literally becomes a different person? Does his fear consume him? Does he berserk? If his mind set changes so drastically in battle it should be thoroughly explained. It wouldn't hurt to add a few little day-to-day quirks or comments on how he treats/thinks towards others in there either. Backstory: Right off the bat: what happened to all the people that knew this kid that died? How is Crescent managing to keep his disappearance underraps? The guy had to have had friends and relatives. You should probably explain all these things. And if you want make it fun you could not take the easy way out by saying he killed them all too. (Plus that explanation would certainly warrant an even more thorough investigation, and would be sloppy way of going about it.) How was it that the first thing he knew one he woke up was that he was in Cinder's hideout? What was kind of connection did he previously have with Cinder that he would already know despite his amnesia. We don't know what Cinder's plot really is, I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's world domination. That is thinking rather small-mindedly if you ask me, and Cinder doesn't seem like that kind of villain. Why would he trust Cinder simply for waking him up? At this point its unclear what the enviroment or full circumstances to his waking were. Personally if I suddenly woke up in a dark warehouse full of crates (the closest thing we know to Cinders hideout) and wasn't immediately shown a badge or met with the words of a report to an officer I would be highly skeptical and be looking for a way out. CRDL are relative cowards who made it into Beacon, I would assume Ozpin would be intelligent enough to accept them into his academy with good reason. While I am not Monty I feel this should be reconsidered because its not a line of thought easily believed. JNPR has never been shown in opposition to Cinder, they could certainly be called a threat, but at this time I wouldn't go so far as to say they are clear enemies. RWBY based on Cinder potential observations of Ruby she would know who she is and could very well have looked into her. However that being said while she would certainly view her as a threat with masssive potential. I don't think she could personally view as a much of an obstacle, infact judging by her abilities my guess is ruby would be an ill match against her at this time. That being said she could still list RWBY as a threat to you, however this would indicate a lack of confidence in your abilities which could be reflected in her appearance in the academy in volume 2. That would be an interesting thing to cover. It's quite clear that Cinder and Roman are not fighting for the sake of the Faunus I doubt they would call off a raid on shops for such a simple reason. Also I would doubt Cinder would give so much authority to an amnesiac who just woke up. At the second mention of Auburn by name there should be clear explanation of who she is in relation to Crescent. Why is she in a position to notice the things she is? Teachers: It seems your character is the type to underestimate others based one their outward appearances. You should probably make a mention of this in someway in his personality or even battle practices. Why is a spy, a position ment for espionage and murder getting involved in raids? You're character, or team, being off campus without an alibi many of the times a raid takes place would needless to say raise a few eyebrows. Considering this is a combat academy, essentially this universes equivalant to a military school, you can bet they keep a stringent record of their students leaves of absense even for the smallest of things and times. It's a bit early to state Crescent respects Emerald or Mercury don't you think? They could be just as bad as Roman. Also why does Crescent fear Cinder? Even if he is lucky its hard to believe he consistantly gets A's on the papers he doesn't cheat on. Furthermore it's clear from the statement that he is "weak" to the paperwork at Beacon that he either is not booksmart enough or invested enough to do so without cheating. Furthermore this is Beacon a combat school...If you've ever been in a fight with experienced people before you know they know how to react to even the slightest movement. Every teacher at beacon is a master combatant; a simple movement of an eye under a few strands of hair would not consistently work, and the success rate would only go down over time. Also saying the character still has such exceptional grades after all this is very much a warning sign of Sue/Stu and you may want to adjust it in-order to avoid unwanted hate. Lastly I think there should be more details on his fighting style, methods, and habits. This will help him feel more like a real person and would ultimately make him a more interesting character. Also who/where is his team? If your waiting for others to join it that is understandable, otherwise that needs to be detailed. Hopefully this critique will be useful to you. While you certainly don't have to take any of it to heart I highly recommend you do. Also I'm not a GM/Admin/Mod/Crat or anything else that could be considered as having any authority so needless to say you do not need to make any changes I stated to be accepted into an rp anywhere, but you shouldn't be surprised if someone else who does have authority tells you some or all of the same things.